Today was just impossible. I was so close to someone I've been longing to see. But as usual , the chance slipped . Maybe it was for the better or maybe god just doesn't will it. Don't you think so ? They push you away and you dont know why. Its not as if they want to meet you or anything. You just want to talk to them. Thats it. They say everything happens for a reason. For once, I would like to know what the reason was. I lost so many and now I have nothing left to lose. Literally. Hahaha what was i thinking ? that something will magically pop out and bring me happiness? Trust me, the last time i was happy, i balled my eyes out five minutes after. People say " Just be sad, 'things couldnt get any worse' " . While others, (the positive ones or atleast those who tries to be positive) would say " Just be happy. life is going to bring you down one day anyway. Laugh while you can, cry when you need to". Its perspective. So is this - sometimes you want people to understand you but if you dont hold yr stand upright, you'll end up trying your best to understand that person instead. and no im not writing this to ask any of you to understand me or be on my side . but some people understood themselves and left. I just want to try understanding myself too

 "Don't say you cannot forgive me because nobody is perfect." 

Well other than that, I'm not the only one who made mistakes. I was there. I tried understanding and you just...whatever i am not here to cite about how I feel or how right i am. Surely it is because, in any case, i feel that it would be irrelevant and it wouldn't be worth it. Expressing how i feel will just be an understatement and in the end, the blame will revert and be partially mine. People believe that you should treat others way you want to be treated. I'd say that's utter bullshit. The only thing I do is be rational and no one was ever rational towards me. Even if they were, there will be some parts of selfishness in it. Nevertheless everything backfires me. I don't give people second chances cause i didn't get one when i needed to. but what if i gave you a second chance. third and fourth. don't i deserve another one too ? would they give you that chances you gave them if they were you ? or do they feel like you don't deserve another chance? but had they thought about the level/kind of chances we had to give (which includes all the understanding and reasonable moments) comparing with the level/kind of chances given . Had they bare in mind also the reason why the chances had to be given in the first place? They know that whatever their decision, I will be rational and understand them. Rational in a sense that i always assure myself that there is an explanation to everything. Have you ever thought why a person reacted in that manner? Why do you think a person would've scolded you for something you did which you believe is right? There is always a reason. try thinking. Maybe they are afraid? paranoid. But why ? Are you the reason why ? I think its cliche to think that you/i am right. Its human nature - if you have a problem, the first thing you do is to affirm and prove that you are not wrong, no one wants to be blamed. It may just be alter ego but its still......human nature. I believe that i do make mistakes (here is me being understanding again when this entry is supposed to be about me trying to be selfish and prioritize myself, for once.) but that's what i believe. In addition to that, as i said, i also believe that there is a reason to everything. I try to be reasonable cause i hope they try too.why was i willing to be okay after how they made me feel. I feel like i didn't deserve the truth.  Despite that, they chose to keep me in the dark, tell me the truth when they are ready. When THEY are ready. I cant deny, they knew about the setbacks - I wasn't ready and i will take a long time to be and they knew that i would, hands down, fight for them to still be here in my life and this will, in the long run, affect their decision . But did they forgot about the fact that i need them in my life and i would do any thing(even if it requires being rational to things that i myself couldnt make sense of it), i still would. I would raise the white flag and admit defeat just for them. I guess i thought they knew me better. I wouldn't mind being friends at least. I was there for you when you needed me.